Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago