Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
is this meant to deter me
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free