What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Okay me first
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Florida be like…
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*