JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Always a metermaid never a meter
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.