My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.