me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
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Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there