Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.