KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
smartest karate player in the world
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75