Got ya covered
You Might Also Like
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.