You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
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[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
can’t catch a break
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?