Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
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[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
man: wait
time: no
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.