1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I have no passwords left in me
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.