[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Labreador
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)