so much to do
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I have a black belt in leather
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts