When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
man: wait
time: no
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment