me when the borders lift
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Not all heroes wear capes.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
waiting for halloween be like:
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
fair
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over