[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.