*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Sign of the day..
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.