No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.