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The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?