I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Probably my best painting.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed