the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
You Might Also Like
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
these two trucks have the same bed length
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth