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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Friday night party time 🥳
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
💯😂