[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
You Might Also Like
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT