I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂