I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Challenge accepted.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind