[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
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Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way