wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
S M O L
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My kitchen overserved me.