*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Me driving through Toronto
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?