Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Just so funny
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
what’s more important?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.