11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I need better friends
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by