My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!