genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.