When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum