Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”