Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.