*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
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It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!