husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
You Might Also Like
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …