her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
You Might Also Like
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now