Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.