wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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This fish is cracking me up
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days