The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
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Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
monday
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The news in a nutshell.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.