When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
apparently this year was written by stephen king