People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*