Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Peace was never an option
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.