My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
You are not alone 💚
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.