Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
thanks auntie mary
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s