being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
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I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Spotted in New Orleans.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird