Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary