My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
You Might Also Like
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
time machine? you mean a clock?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers